Pixie (wingednothing) wrote,

Legendary Groundhog Found Drunk Before Prediction

Punxatawny, Pa- The legendary "prognosticator of prognosticators," Punxatawny Phil, gave his adoring fans more than a simple weather forcast this year as his handlers found him belligerent and extremely intoxicted when they knocked on his door to summon him for their yearly rite of superstition.

According to witness reports, the self-absorbed groundhog stubbornly refused to emerge from his cubby, hurling severl empty bourbon bottles and inflammatory insults at the men instructed to kiss his earth-pig posterior in exchange for a glimpse into the future of winter's stay.

Calling the assembled onlookers "candy-ass simpletons," Phil asked to be left alone while he "slept it off" while making arrangements for his female companions to find their way back home.

The man in charge of the Groundhog Day festivities, Larry Dolan, refused to give Phil's ladies cab fare and demanded that the stodgy rodent come out and look for his shadow before the sun moved gracefully out of range.

Upon hearing this, Phil poked his nose out of the door and told his fans that his shadow was sleeping and that, if they wanted an accurate forecast, they'd have to come back tomorrow. Dolan became incensed as his town's only claim to fame was being jeopardized by the whims of a "glorified rat." He stuck his gloved hand into Phil's cubby, yanked the uncooperative hog out by the scruff of his fat neck and tossed him onto the ground as the crowd of stunned reporters and tourists gasped in disbelief.

Phil hissed menacingly, vomited up a gallon of cheap booze, and then proceeded to relieve himself onto a fake scenic stump while reporting to the crowd that "the winter of my life has now arrived," before collapsing into a heap of fur and passing out.

Dolan did his best to provied a feasible explanation for this extraordinary series of events, but was unsuccessful in convincing those in attendance that Phil's behavior was simply a result of "immense stress" and that he "truly loves his position as the foremost meteorologist in the county."

Following the crowd's exodus, Phils unconscious carcass was placed in a burlap sack, where he was transported to Greeling Farms Celebrity Animal Rehabilitation and Counseling Center for treatment. Greeling Farms is the same facility that helped Lassie #4 with his gender identiy crisis, Charlie Tuna overcome his suicidal tendencies after the sale of his fellow fish to tuna salad lovers, and the former Mr. Ed shake his dependency on methamphetamines.
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